Holby the Opera
by Tanith Panic
Summary: An affectionate parody of opera using the Casualty characters. Be warned... nobody's favourite is safe! Who will survive till the end?
1. Chapter 1

HOLBY THE OPERA

A few things you need to know about opera, if you're not a fan. There are various stock situations and characters that occur:

The ice queen who prefers death to dishonour

Her faithful handmaiden who kills herself in grief

The bad guy who's trying to kill the good guy, without realising he's his brother

The clairvoyant who sees the future but is rarely believed

The innocent bystander caught in the crossfire

The character who goes insane with grief

The character who forsakes the world and embraces religion

The lovers. Some survive, some don't, depending on the opera

The dog. Okay I made that up but this opera has a dog.

I've added some X cert, some Freechamp, lots of insanity. If the verse does have a piece of music that fits it, I'll mention it, otherwise feel free to add your own tune.

HOLBY THE OPERA ACT ONE

SCENE - HOLBY RECEPTION

(Lily looks out over a noisy squabbling group of patients queueing in reception and sings.)

LILY: One fine day the patients

Will not fight in reception,

They'll wait without complaining.

And nobody will vomit.

(Somebody does. Lily sighs and goes to get a brush and mop. Connie stalks through followed by her adoring handmaid Rita. Lofty trembles. Zoe and Max get a quick snog behind a curtain. Cal swaggers in.)

CAL: (Singing.) I'm going to murder that Ethan today,

So he'll never know I nicked fifteen hundred k

And spent it on call girls, I'm evil that way.

CHORUS OF NURSES AND PARAMEDICS:

Desist my friend, you'll come to a bad end.

CAL: I can't because:

I had an affair with a woman called Taylor

Who betrayed me one night with a hairy old sailor,

I found her and him snuggled up with his kitbag-

What a sh*tbag!

Oh all women are cruel and heartless,

So I might as well have sex with myself.

Oh all women are cruel and heartless,

So I might as well have sex with myself.

I shall murder Ethan gladly,

Bet your ass he'll take it badly.

Oh… all women are cruel and heartless, heartless, heartless,

So I might as well have sex with myself,

I'll sing it one more time, have sex with myself!

HONEY: Don't hurt Ethan Hardy, he's gentle and kind.

I'm begging you Doctor Knight, please change your mind.

CAL: Sack this gobby fortune teller,

Or lock her in a rat-filled cellar.

CONNIE: (Only half paying attention.) Honey, you're fired.

HONEY: (Dramatically.) Before this shift has passed us by,

People will suffer and people will die.

I'm the clairvoyant, and I know why.

CAL: Sing one more word and I'll spit in your eye.

(Honey runs out, defeated. Big Mac and Charlie dance through to ballet music. They wait for everybody to laugh. Nobody does. They turn their backs in a huff.)


	2. Chapter 2

CONNIE: Here comes Dylan.

CHORUS: Hail to Dylan,

Our hero not our villain!

(Dylan comes in with Dervla on a lead. Dervla's part is sung by Lesley Garrett.)

DYLAN: I'm Dylan the honest, I don't mince my words,

DERVLA: I like to chase pussycats, toddlers and birds.

LOFTY: (Looking over at Dylan.) Oh be still my throbbing heart.

DYLAN: (Just being honest.) Get those curls cut, you look like a tart.

(Max and Zoe are snogging intensely in the backround. In comes Ethan.)

ALL: Except Cal.) Hello Ethan nice to see you, what a lovely day.

ETHAN: Alas my friends, I'm worried now, lost fifteen hundred k.

I just checked my bank account and it was gone.

I just checked my bank account and it was gone.

I just checked my bank account, it's a fearful large amount,

I just checked my bank account and it was gone.

CAL: He knows, the nosey little spy,

This afternoon he'll have to die.

LOFTY: I can lend you one pound fifty.

ROBYN: I've a Subway voucher too.

BIG MAC: (Aside to Charlie.) That Cals' looking pretty shifty,

CHARLIE: What do you suggest we do?

BIG MAC: Trail him, follow him about,

If he's the thief, the truth will out.

(Dixie and Ian come through with a patient on a trolley.)

DIXIE: This is Mr Cuthbertson, he's broken all his bones,

Can you do him quickly, I'm so tired of his moans.

DYLAN: Lofty, stop staring into space,

Take that expression off your face,

You're here to work so come, you slob,

Let's see you do a decent job.

(Lofty, Robyn and Dylan follow the paramedics as they wheel out Mr Cuthbertson.)

CONNIE: Rita, I need a word with you, get to my office now.

BIG MAC: She always picks on Rita, she's such a stroppy cow.

(Rita, with a determined look on her face, follows Connie out.)

END OF SCENE ONE

Scene Two

(Connie leads Rita into her office.)

CONNIE: We must discuss the rota Rita,

Rota, Rita, rota, Rita,

We'll discuss the rota, Rita…

In the Travelodge tonight!

BOTH: (To the tune of 'Oh Christmas Tree.)

Oh Travelodge, oh Travelodge,

How widespread are thy branches!

Oh Travelodge, oh Travelodge,

How springy are thy bed springs!

RITA: I'll bring the wine-

CONNIE: We'll dine at nine…

BOTH: Then off to bed and joy divine!

Oh Travelodge, oh Travelodge,

How widespread are thy branches!

CONNIE: I just hope no-one dies today,

We need this chance to get away.

DERVLA: (On her hind legs at the window.) Famous last words!


	3. Chapter 3

Holby the Opera Scene Three

A Private Cubicle (Warning: These scenes are likely to be X rated in parts from now on.)

(Max and Zoe are snogging very intensely in just their underwear when Robyn leads Lofty into the cubicle. Zoe screams in a high soprano.)

ZOE: Eeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee eeeeeek!

(She and Max grab their clothes and sidle out, Max looking cheekily back to sing;)

MAX: I should be sorry but I'm not, I'm a lad in love and she's red-hot.

(He follows Zoe.)

ROBYN: Lofty, I can contain myself no more.

I think you know what I've brought you here for.

LOFTY: (Politely.) More rent for the flat?

ROBYN: I love you! I love you! I'll always adore you,

I dream every night of your curls.

I want you! I want you! Oh please feel the same way,

I'm jealous of all other girls.

(Lofty sighs deeply and looks grieved. And once again Dervla, who has no business in a hospital anyway, pokes her little furry head round the door.)

LOFTY: Robyn, please don't be upset,

You're the nicest girl I've ever met,

But from my soul I have to say…

I'm in love with Dylan and I'm gay.

ROBYN: (Screaming in a furious soprano.) B*stard! B*stard! Curly-headed b*stard!

LOFTY: Please see reason, I'm sad too,

I never wanted to hurt you-

ROBYN: OH DROP DEAD LOFTY!

(Thunder and lightning.)

LOFTY: Look, sweetheart, don't freak out now,

We both could lose this job…

DERVLA: Woof woof. Arf arf. Yap Yap. Bark bark.

ROBYN: OH SHUT YOUR FURRY GOB!


	4. Chapter 4

(Rita enters.)

RITA: Stop this, stop this, both of you,

For Mrs Beauchamp heard.

She's giving you both one more chance,

But not another word.

DERVLA: But it's an opera!

RITA: That dog scares the hell out of me.

(Lofty walks out, red-faced with Robyn stalking vengefully behind him. Rita sighs and gets the hip-flask out of her garter.)

DERVLA: I see you! I see you!

RITA: Bitch!

(Charlie comes strutting in. He sings:)

CHARLIE: I'm tired of being good old Charlie round here,

I'd like to give Caleb a clip round the ear.

So just for once I'll live my fantasy-

Staff of Holby, please flock to me.

(They do just that.)

CHARLIE: You can't get away with anything, so don't suppose you can,

I'm not the sap you think I am, I am a mean hard man,

I'll stop you having sex in cupboards-

(Max and Zoe AND Connie and Rita all look guilty.)

Or skiving off to meet your lass.

(Cal just sneers.)

CHARLIE: Oh you can't get away with anything,

I've got eyes in my ass, ass, ass, ass, ass...

MYYYYY ass!

EVERYBODY: Aww, good old Charlie, the joker as always.

END OF ACT ONE

HOLBY THE OPERA ACT TWO

SCENE ONE ED RECEPTION

(Cal is still plotting.)

CAL: See this drink, there's cyanide in it.

Ethan will come back any minute.

It's the mug he likes the most,

So Ethan soon will be a ghost.

(Lofty and Robyn come through, still arguing.)

LOFTY: I thought you'd be more supportive.

ROBYN: Shut up you little sh*t.

LOFTY: It seems you're homophobic,

And that's the truth of it.

ROBYN: Stuff you, s*d you, we two are through,

You knew I loved you, didn't you?

LOFTY: Robyn, Robyn, hear my defence,

And you'll soon see I'm talking sense.

ROBYN: You broke my heart-

LOFTY: - Did not mean to-

ROBYN: - You great gay loser-

LOFTY: That's rude, too.

ROBYN: After this long shift is through,

I'll nevermore, nevermore work with you.

LOFTY: (In a magnificent tenor voice.) For ****'s sake!

(With an angry sweep of his arm, he accidentally knocks over Ethan's mug. Cal is not pleased to say the least.)

CAL: What a stupid thing to do,

Now Lofty's on the death list too.

I'll go and make another brew.

LOFTY: Sorry Cal mate.

CAL: (With a big false smile.) Accidents happen, don't you fret.

(Enter Dylan.)

DYLAN: (To Lofty.) You, Ben! Is your break over yet?

ROBYN: Wait till I tell you-

DYLAN: There's no time, Madam Gossip.

Quick, Ben, and follow me.

A man with half his hand off

Is bleeding over cubicle three.

(Lofty, Dylan and a furious Cal all go out. Robyn puts her head on her arms and sulks for England.)


	5. Chapter 5

NOT PUTTING THE USUAL WARNING ABOUT CHARCTER DEATHS HERE AS THERE ARE SEVERAL DURING THE OPERA

ACT TWO SCENE ONE CONTINUED

(Cal comes back with a second brew.)

CAL: Ethan will die when he drinks this brew,

Now there's cyanide in it and broken glass too.

(Dixie and Ian come through. Dixie grabs the mug.)

DIXIE: Sorry Cal. Busy shift. Desparate.

(She swigs the drink as Cal stares at her like a landed cod.)

DIXIE: (Clutching her guts and moaning.)

I'm coming, Jeff!

Oh… Ohhhhhh...

(She sings ''ohhhhh' for a while and then drops dead.)

IAN: Who did that? Who did that?

CAL: That Lofty's in a spiteful mood today,

I say we ought to hang him right away.

IAN: Cal, you're deranged with grief, it isn't Lofty,

He couldn't kill a soul. He's just a softie.

ROBYN: (Determined to have her say.) And he's….

IAN: That's Ethan's mug! Oh tragic, tragic day,

He's suicidal - fifteen hundred k!

ROBYN: We'll have to watch his every step!

(Zoe and Max come in.)

ZOE: (To Max.) You're sexier than Johnny Depp.

(Noticing.) Dixeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

MAX: I'll wheel her out. People have lunch in here.

(He wheels Dixie out with Robyn, Max, Zoe and Ian walking solemnly behind.)

CAL: (All alone.) Well dear SAINT Ethan, I'll still get you…

(Dervla puts her head round the door.)

CAL: And that little dog too!

DERVLA: (Howling.) Oooooooooo….

END OF SCENE TWO

ACT TWO, SCENE 3

A PRIVATE ROOM

(Max is being pursued by Cal, who has a huge axe. Cal sings:)

CAL: Bash him, slash him, hack him and trash him,

Drive that axe into his head.

Hack him, whack him, in small chunks pack him,

Zoe's toy boy ends up dead!

(He corners Max and knocks him over, then the axe swings down….

And Max awakens, screaming in a loud tenor.)

MAX: I've had that bloody dream three times, okay?

It's getting more and more like Groundhog Day.

(Zoe, who is lying next to him, kisses him and calms him down.)

ZOE: Don't fret my love, I tell you what I'll do,

Breakfast in bed, with some chocolate spread,

And I'm spreading it all over you!

Oh my lovely man, wait till you see what I've got for you,

I shall use my body oil to show how I adore you...

(But as she's about to ring room service, Connie stalks in.)

CONNIE: Zoe and Max, how dare you?

Taking extended break!

Shacking up in the Premier Inn,

And all for nookie's sake!

Now just grow up and clear your head,

Get dressed at once, vacate this bed.

ZOE: (On a long defiant note:) Why?

CONNIE: (Dancing.) Me and Rita want it,

The world's not made for you!

Oh me and Rita want it,

For we like nookie, too.

PUZZLED MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE: She's not mean like she is on the telly, is she?


	6. Chapter 6

ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

THE MEDICAL SUPPLIES ROOM, LATER

(Dylan is explaining a complicated process to Lofty who is desperately trying not to let himself down.)

DYLAN: Look, lad, you're putting me through hell.

A five-year-old could do as well.

(Aside.)

I love his curls, his big blue eyes,

His small cute butt and sexy thighs,

But I must make my destiny

To be the King of the ED!

No distractions! No distractions!

He might be delicious, but I still have nerves of steel!

LOFTY: I even love him when he shouts,

My mind is swimming with self-doubts,

DYLAN: (Bawling.) No distractions! No distractions!

Pull yourself together or you'll never make a nurse!

(Lofty turns away, his eyes full of tears, as Cal rushes in.)

CAL: Don't panic, whimper, whine or cringe.

Pass me a hypodermic syringe.

DYLAN: No! No syringes! No! No syringes!

Pull yourself together cause you're clearly off your face!

LOFTY: Please don't upset him, Dylan, don't get hurt…

Cal: (Lunging at Dylan with a scalpel.)

Dead consultants cannot blab,

So you're the one I plan to stab.

(Lofty throws himself between them just as Robyn comes in. Alas Lofty is mortally wounded by the scalpel. He falls dying. )

LOFTY: (Singing beautifully as people who have just been stabbed do in operas.)

LOFTY: Goodbye beloved Dylan,

I gladly die for you.

My spleen is perforated,

But my heart was always true.

DYLAN: Quick, get him up to theatre,

The silly boy is dying.

CAL: You'll have to get past me first!

(Robyn drops Lofty and lunges at him. He knocks her out with one punch.)

LOFTY: Too late... but thanks for trying.

(He dies, all alone with nobody to hold him. Dylan walks out without a word. Cal grabs the syringe he wants and rushes off, just as Charlie, Big Mac, Rita and Connie enter. Robyn revives and starts to sob.)

ROBYN: (Hysterically.) You let Cal go! You let Cal go!

He killed my Ben and you let him go!

CONNIE: That Lofty was a good lad,

He's proved, without a doubt,

Now lay him in a quiet room-

And DON'T chuck him about!

(Big Mac and Charlie carry Lofty off.)

ROBYN: (A strange light in her eyes.)

Oh Ben! Poor Ben! My man of men! I'm sad!

I'm a fly! I'm a flea! I'm a pie! I'm a pea! I'm mad!

I'm the sky! I'm the sea! Yee hah! Yippee!

I'm mad, mad mad….

(She goes out. howling and flapping her arms, occasionally laughing wildly. This is what they DO in opera.)

AUDIENCE: The ending will be scary, I can feel it in my bones,

No favourites are safe here, it's worse than Game of Thrones!

END OF SCENE FOUR

WARNING... THE FINAL CHAPTER IS GOING TO BE HUGE.


	7. Chapter 7

ACT TWO SCENE 5

ANOTHER CUBICLE

(Ethan is treating a small boy who looks bored. Robyn, completely disregarding health and safety, is sitting on the floor cuddling Dervla and singing: This tune is an old folk song called Mockingbird.)

ROBYN: Hush little doggie, don't you cry,

No bad man is going to make you die.

If he dares to try that trick,

Robyn's gonna brain him with a big red brick.

Weep like a willow, moan like a dove,

This little doggie is the one I love.

ETHAN: Robyn, not in here please.

(Robyn bares her teeth and snarls at him. In rushes Cal.)

CAL: Tremble! Cringe! I have a syringe!

ETHAN: (Calmly.) Okay.

CAL: You trusting fool, I'll kill you right away.

(Cal grabs Ethan and pushes him against the wall, injecting lethal substances straight into Ethan's heart. Which is quick but only gives him time to sing:)

ETHAN: Bugger! Bugger! B*stard!

(He dies.)

SMALL BOY: Hospital's cool!

(Honey rushes in.)

HONEY: That final crime was worse than any other!

Villain, learn Ethan was your long-lost brother!

Years ago in early spring, your mummy had a little fling

She gave her baby half a locket…

The other half is in your pocket!

(She takes half a locket, somewhat bloody now, from Ethan's pocket and shows it to Cal, who takes his own half locket out and goes white.)

CAL: I'm a swine, I'm a brute, why did we have the same mother?

Bound for hell, I can tell… I have killed my long-lost brother.

Boo hoo hoo, I'm feeling the remorse already!

HONEY: Oooh ooh ooh, what a wicked thing to do!

(Cal ponders his next move. A wicked smile comes over Honey's face.)

HONEY: (Doing a tango with Cal to a very famous aria from Carmen:)

No good crying about spilt milk,

Yeah, Ethan's gone and it's such a shame.

Still you're here and you're smooth as silk

And your wee brother was somewhat lame.

CAL: I misjudged her, the scheming slut,

She's not an airhead, she's hard as nails,

Soon I'll stab her right in the gut,

Or saw her head off if that option fails.

HONEY: You sexy beast, come closer do,

Oh please make love to me, I want you to!

My party piece you have to view-

(She gives him a deadly karate chop to the back of the neck. Bones are heard breaking as Cal drops stone-dead next to Ethan.)

HONEY: It's called Karate and that chop's for you!

(Lily comes in.)

LILY: (In a high soprano.) HONEY!

HONEY: He just killed Ethan!

LILY: (Shrugging.) Okay then.

(They link arms and walk out together.)

SCENE SIX

THE ED RECEPTION

(As Big Mac and Charlie come into reception, Dylan reappears, wearing a top with a huge hoodie on and dragging a massive bag. Zoe, Max, Connie and Rita sing angrily:)

ALL: Begone thou Dylan, heartless cold and mean.

DYLAN: Don't nag me till I tell you where I've been.

Poor little Lofty loved me

And I treated him like junk.

The world will hear from me no more…

(He throws off the hood to reveal a shaved head.)

I'm off to be a monk.

They can take me right away,

And they don't mind if I've been gay.

(Emptying his huge bag and throwing the contents in a corner. The rest of the staff except Connie, who has more dignity, scrabble for them.)

DYLAN: Mug with no handles,

Book torn by vandals,

My Tai Chi sandals,

Needed no more!

Porn stuff I misuse,

Lots of clean tissues,

Pile of Big Issues,

Needed no more.

Old storage heater!

(Throwing a CD in.) Complete Evita!

Nude Piiiiiiiic of Rita-

(Connie joins the scrabbling throng.)

Needed no more!

(Connie elbows Big Mac out of the way and gets the nude photo.)

DYLAN: NO distractions, NO distractions…

Vows of silence are the only way to go!

Goodbye.

(He walks out.)

CONNIE: Surely that's the end of all the horrors now?

(Ominous music plays….)

Just then in comes a policeman.)

POLICEMAN: Connie Feminista Beauchamp,

I am arresting you…

Say goodbye to your high heels and blazers,

Say goodbye to your airs and your graces,

You'll be in with some real basket cases,

And you're not going to like it AT ALL.

CONNIE: Nobody takes Connie Beauchamp alive!

(She unscrews the top from her ring, swallows the poison inside, and collapses in Rita's arms.)

RITA: Oh no Connie, no Connie, no Connie, NO!

MAX: (Coming in with Zoe.) What's this, hey? Oh tragic day!

Is Connie gay?

(As Zoe thumps him Connie sings faintly to Rita to the tune of the old Ray Charles song, 'Take these chains from my heart and set me free':)

CONNIE: There's a Travelodge upon the Other Side,

Where the welcome door is always open wide,

All the staff smile constantly, and the tariff's always free,

There's a Travelodge upon the Other Side.

In that Travelodge upon the Other Side,

We'll see all our lovely colleagues who have died.

We'll embrace each murdered pal,

Bet your arse we won't see Cal,

For he's gone down to Hades to be fried.

(The policeman buries his face in his hands and sobs as Connie dies in Rita's arms.)

RITA: (Bitterly to the policeman:)

I'm ready for the crap that's going to come out of your gob,

So go ahead and tell me you were just doing your job.

POLICEMAN: I'm not a real policeman,

This uniform's a sham.

I'm not a real policeman,

I'm just-

RITA: (Screaming in a high soprano voice as she realises the horrible truth.) A STRIPPOGRAM? A strippoGRAM? A strippo-strippo-strippogram?

(She lays Connie down gently, then strangles the strippogram/policeman with his own thong as Charlie sings in rage to Big Mac.)

CHARLIE: Play a trick on Connie, to cheer her up, you said.

Well wow, congratulations, for now our boss is dead.

(Rita is looking murderous. Charlie signals to Big Mac and says softly:)

CHARLIE: Psychiatric Ward!

RITA: (Calmly.) Funeral pyre! ED on fire!

(She grabs a can of petrol that she's been hiding under the reception counter - who said Opera ever had to be logical? - pours it all over herself and the floor, and then, grabbing Zoe's lighter, sets fire to it. She burns up very quickly… and the same is happening to the ED. Max, Zoe, Charlie and Big Mac quickly wheel out all the patients. Robyn comes running through with her hair on fire. Dervla comes running through on her own. Why was nobody looking after the DOGGY? )

AUDIENCE: (As the scene goes dark.) Who has died? Who's been fried?

Who'll be sitting safe outside?

ACT TWO SCENE SEVEN

OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL

(All the patients are safely outside. Robyn, alive but bald, sits on the pavement with Lily and Dervla. Max and Zoe, a little sooty but safe, come out still carrying a bottle of wine and two sooty glasses between them, and singing:)

MAX: Here's to love, here's to life,

Zoe, darling, be my wife.

ZOE: Here's to love, here's to wine,

The biggest glass is mine!

LILY: (Disgusted.) Only those two...!

Charlie practically pushes Big Mac out by the scruff of the neck. The spirits of Dixie, Lofty, Ethan, Connie, Rita and - invited back for this grand finale, the one and only Jeff Collier - smile down on everybody from the roof, the soppy buggers. Honey comes through wheeling a tea trolley but nobody's up to drinking yet apart from the two dirty little devils who are enjoying their sooty wine. The spirits sing:)

SPIRITS: We look down with passion and affection

At the people that we cared about, and wish them all the best.

We just wanted some time to remember all the glory and the chaos that was Holby.

Though your hearts are sore we'll be with you evermore,

Might be reached on Channel four if you try...

We look down with passion and affection,

Though we ought to make you all aware that Robyn needs a wig.

One day in the future you will join us and we'll catch up on the latest goss from Holby.

(Cal is suddenly seen by the audience but not the other characters, floating around in Limbo, bored out of his skull already. The spirits vanish and it's left to the survivors to have the last song just as a vision of Dylan meditating alone in his cell is seen:)

SURVIVORS: From the ashes of this tragedy we'll rise,

From the ashes of this tragedy we'll rise.

From this situation tragic we'll turn life around like magic,

From the ashes of this tragedy we'll rise.

From the ashes of this tragedy we'll rise-

DERVLA: No sh*t! -

SURVIVORS: From the ashes of this tragedy we'll rise-

DERVLA: No sh*t!

SURVIVORS: From this situation tragic,

We'll turn life around like magic,

From the ashes of this tragedy we'll rise.

DERVLA: NO SH*T!

(This would be a very stirring song if only they weren't singing to the tune of 'If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.')

THE END


End file.
